The other day I caught my friend acting oddly. Every other minute she seemed to grimace, shake her bonce and then head butt the air between herself and her computer screen. I waited for her to volunteer a reason and when it became obvious that this was not forthcoming I simply had to ask “Yo Sue, have you got pictures of your ex-boyfriends on that screen or are you just trying to scare me?” Sue looked puzzled for a moment then replied “What? No Lynz, I carried a watermelon!” My turn to look puzzled “Okay, and now you don’t remember where you left it?” she looked at me as if I had just dropped off the planet Plonker “Dirty Dancing ya fool….I carried a watermelon, made a plank of myself saying something thick and now I feel like a total blonde!” Charming I think as I rake my fingers through my (admittedly bleached) blonde tresses.
A bloke who Sue believes to be “Like Totally Phwoar” and usually admires from afar, walked into her office and asked for her phone number. “That’s great, told you the elbows together technique works, did you give him your mobile number?” I ask, at this point she puts her head in her hands and refuses to say anything else, as it is apparently too embarrassing.
I get her to agree to divulge the hideous boob she has made providing I can tell her a faux pas of my own which can equal hers in proportion, knowing not how hers rates on the daft bat barometer, I take up the challenge. ‘My friend Steve and I were supposed to meet the rest of the crew for a hairdressing photo shoot. I knew that it was in Newport and by a golf course. We had no idea where we were when Steve spotted a golf course so I made a last second, clench your butt, dodgy left turn and headed down a bumpy road. Steve was pointing out the 5th tee just as I found myself maneuvering over a ridiculously small bridge then slammed on my brakes. An incredulous expression was on the face of a guy in front of us “What’s his problem” I ask Steve, debating whether or not to beep my horn at him, “could be cos he is in a golf buggy and we are in a Rover, your driving on the flaming golf range” How I reversed over that mini bridge I don’t know and we never did make it to the photo shoot’.
Sue was in stitches laughing but shook her head to let me know that the cringe factor was not yet matched, so I inhaled a deep breath and took it up a notch.
‘Hubby and I were in a nightclub in Abergavenny. We were crammed like sardines in a tin but I spotted a clearing on the other side of the room, not wanting to miss it but also feeling a bit cheeky I reached behind me and grabbed Hubby’s trouser snake and led him through the crowds, Three quarters of the way to our destination and I feel three sharp pokes on my shoulder “Excuse me love you have got my trousers” OH MY GOD!! I look over the strangers shoulder to see Hubby at the bar with his hands held up in a ‘where did you go?’ gesture, luckily Mr Stranger did not have a Mrs to beat me up and Hubby laughed once I assured him that he was a python and Mr Stranger was a worm.
“You win” Sue screamed with laughter, which soon subsided when she realised that it was her turn now. I make myself comfortable ready to hear the horror. “ I gave him my mobile number and he gave me a weird look and walked off, that is when it clicked that he wanted to organise a meeting with my boss and he meant my work ext number, I feel a complete idiot!” I feel deflated, THAT was the big boob, if this were a movie then that would have been the ultimate chat up line that mere mortals would aspire to with guaranteed snogging success. Sue’s mobile then rang and her face lit up as I sat relieved that I did not tell her any really embarrassing stories.