Every morning I fling my daughters coat in her direction and then fling it at her again as she gets in the car, and again as she gets out of the car. She rolls her eyes, tuts, checks for teenage witnesses and then rolls it under her arm and stalks off. Three days out of every five she has an excuse as to why its either lost, locked in a classroom, lent to a friend or forgotten at the park. But I’m not giving up that easily.
Two reasons here peoples…actually 3. First – I paid a lot of money for that coat (yes, she has gone through 5 in the last year and a half), Second – I’m fed up of her getting poorly and then infecting me with her snotters resulting in me unfit for work & we both end up in the living room, listening to her victim sniffles from under a shared Day of Death duvet. Third and most importantly – I am making a point. Just because the other kids are stupid enough to troll around without coats, arms crossed round their chests and teeth chattering, doesn’t mean my child has to be stupid too! I ain’t raising a kid devoid of common sense! That’s the point but so far, it seems I am in fact raising the commonsenseless kid…I am losing the battle of wills.
I point out boneheaded females on nights out who are wearing mini-dresses and surrounded by foggy breath mist and icicles on their heels. “See daughter dear – classic boneheads are going to get pneumonia” to which she says in dizzy teenage speak “I like her dress”. Urgh.. I tell her about the time I caught pneumonia at the age of 10 because I refused to zip up my super trendy shell suit jacket (neon pink and baby blue circa 1990 thank you ;-) in a thunder storm so I wouldn’t look fat when it billowed in the wind. She laughed and hit me with “Lols, I totes get it”. What the hell does that mean? What the heck language does this kid speak? I spent years insisting she pronounce her words properly “butter, not butah” “Your not yer” and what do I get for the effort ten years on?? Some weird ass Los Angeles Manchester mutated accent which only mutters in text speak.
So, I’ve tried insistence. Failed. I’ve tried buying the best, most ‘totes’ trendy coat. Failed. I’ve tried threats of both iPhone and child death. Epic fail. People, I am open to suggestions...